YouTube video:
What event in your life still messes with you to this day? | AskredditI left this comment there:
My best friend ever, who I was in an on-again, off-again romance with because it took me ages to realize I'm basically asexual, died in 2019. I've never been the same since. I already had chronic depression long before that, and she was a massive bright light in my life. So bright that I moved halfway across the country to be with her after years of us being online-only friends. The move was the best thing I ever did in my life, it made my quality of life go up dramatically because I was able to be myself and be free in Portland, since I couldn't be that in Iowa. Having Lily there with me as well, super close friends the entire time whether we were dating or not, made it even better. She was unerringly, kind, compassionate, accepting, loving, intelligent, interesting, delightful, and her weird matched mine perfectly and balanced out many of my character flaws. (Such as my being a pessimist who is distrustful of strangers, and her being an optimist who trusted people easily.) Every discussion we had was fascinating and engaging, her laugh was like an antidepressant that worked instantly, we could spend hours entertaining each other with bad puns and worse jokes.
When she died, unexpectedly in her sleep from a seizure (she had epilepsy), an important part of my spirit died with her. Despite having not been much of a crier since before puberty, I couldn't go more than an hour without something reminding me of her and setting me off crying. I had to stop listening to my favorite musical artist because Lily had introduced me to them, and so music that used to comfort me when I was overstimulated would make me start crying uncontrollably even in public, and I hate crying in front of other people because I used to get bullied mercilessly for being a crybaby. I used to be a very spiritual person, not religious, but I would sing as a spiritual experience and even dance around for the same reason. I haven't done much of either since Lily died. Even writing this, now, I have to fight back tears. Without her brilliant positive nature, my negative nature just keeps pulling me in deeper, making me a more miserable person, and the rise of fascism in my country is just making it even worse. I feel like I could maybe be coping and more hopeful in these trying times if she had never died.
I still have dreams about her, where she has either come back from the dead or never died to begin with. I still fight tears when I wake up from these dreams, because it's almost like losing her all over again.
A few weeks ago, just when I thought it couldn't get worse, I found out the answer to a mystery that had plagued me ever since she died: how can a seizure kill someone? Well the answer is simple: flailing around in bed from the seizure, the victim can suffocate in their bedding. Given Lily was prone to sleeping on her stomach under a massive pile of blankets and comforters, I'd say it's 99% likely she suffocated in her sleep because of the seizure. And that just messed me up even more than before.
I've been coping a bit with my writing. I have a whole arc for this one character who, like me, loses her best friend ever very suddenly (her friend was murdered) and even almost a decade later, she's still a wreck about it in various ways. So I explore my grief through that character. But it's a bandage on a gaping wound. A wound that's scabbed over, but any picking at the scab makes it open up again. I do it sometimes anyway.
I've also named characters after her, and gave one new character epilepsy in her honor. One of the more prominent side characters in some of the books has a variant of her personality. Wait, correction: two of them do.
The worst part? I didn't even get to go to her funeral. Her mom didn't invite me or tell me where it was, and I still don't know why. I'm basically taking everyone who was there at their word that she died, which is probably why I keep having dreams that she's still alive... like my brain still can't quite believe it because seeing is believing. Though at the same time, I don't know if I would feel better or worse if I could have seen her body. Probably a lot worse, though.
I get through it by walking through the world with proverbial blinders on, dissociating when it's too much to bear. I do laugh, quite often; it's another coping mechanism, one I learned from years of depression. Laughter is a lit match against the darkness, bright but fading fast.
~ End quote ~
The character who's dealing with the grief of her best friend being murdered: One of Vedya's multiverse doubles, Sarah's double being the murder victim. This double first appears briefly in book 4, and becomes a major character in book 5. She goes by the nickname of Naga.
The two characters who have variants of Lily's personality: Acorn Bonewits (a wood nymph) and Caligo (a kind of faery in the story called an Aeventyrichor). I think it's fitting that they're both faeries. I guess there's also a bit of Lily in Cally (Calandra Metaxas, a human).
The character I gave epilepsy to: Mia "Lenore" Green, one of Ashkii's friends, also human. She also has some of Lily's personality in her. Ashkii's first encounter with her is her having a seizure in art class. I only just now realized that her preferred name, Lenore, is canonically named after a famous dead woman from Poe's writings. Like, even in-universe that's true, since she's a major Poe fan.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
fayanora at 04:02am on 20/08/2025 under disabilities, disability stuff, questions, writing
tired
angry
sad